July 2010
1 post
Just bein bros
Wife: You and Tex have some, not so secret relationship.
Me: Pfffft. Tex and I just hang, drink Natty Ice, play Gamecube, and listen to Dave Matthews Band. You know, just being bros.
Wife: Ugh. Even I think that's gay, and I just watched four hours of Jane Austen.
June 2010
2 posts
America and its food
Last night, my friend Rhys and I decided to take part in a challenge. To really get an experience for something that I felt was American, through and through. It started out simple. We were going to eat that new KFC Double Down sandwich. It evolved from there, though. We added to that one QuikTrip Cheeseburger Roller a piece.
I had stopped in Owasso at a KFC off of 76th street. I pulled up to the...
Portrait of the new American family
Recently I was lambasted for decrying the lovely buffet institution known as Golden Corral. It’s fair. I’m not an elitist about a lot of things, but I cannot stand that place. This weekend is the double whammy of my father-in-law’s birthday and father’s day. Now, earlier in the week, my wife had asked him where he wanted to go, and he said “Oh, I don’t know....
April 2010
4 posts
Wanna know what I do at work all day?
Create the hottest new bands in Tulsa.
Below is a chat transcript that took place while we were working.
Billy L. Carr/VEND/OK/Verizon: Juggalo Scientists
2:40:56 PM: Billy L. Carr/VEND/OK/Verizon: That’s a great band name
2:41:01 PM: Charles R. Hesting/VEND/OK/Verizon: haha
2:41:06 PM: Charles R. Hesting/VEND/OK/Verizon: it actually is
2:41:42 PM: Billy L. Carr/VEND/OK/Verizon: We...
The past twenty four hours.
The past twenty four hours have been fraught with mishaps, adventure, and running. I’ve been wanting to write all damn day because I’ve been inspired by this new blog my friend Brock turned me on to.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
It’s seriously funny stuff.
Anyway, last night my good friend Rhys came over, and he, the wife, and I watched No Country For Old Men. I had...
Not expected
First, feel free to enjoy this song while you read.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxyISsA0Oh0
Now, when I was a young lad, I remember waking up one morning. The sun was streaming through these flimsy navajo inspired curtains my mom got at a garage sale. I smiled. Big. Something I never do when I first wake up. I literally threw myself out of bed, turned on this very song, and set to work...
Priorities
Me: How would you feel about me becoming a revolutionary?
Wife: Would you wave a flag?
Me: Well, it would probably be more violent, and...
Wife: Would you have a flag?
Me: ........ I guess?
Wife: Could I twirl the flag?
Me: ...... You know, I'm talking about violent revolution here.
Wife: COULD. I. TWIRL. YOUR. FLAG?!
Me: (sigh) Yes
Wife: Then go for it.
March 2010
5 posts
I was a strange child
First off, let me thank Summer at The Circus Comes To Town, seen here http://thecircushascometotown.blogspot.com/ , for the prestigious award she felt compelled to bestow upon me.
I’ve never won anything on the internet really, so this was nice. Apparently she thinks I’m witty and caustic enough to bring sunshine to her day. Thanks, Summer....
Older n jesus
So,the ORIGINAL plan was to revisit Arbuckle Wilderness or the Big Cat preserve near there. However, as the weather constantly changes in Oklahoma, so too can plans. With the snow a comin down, we decided to stay warm and safe hear at the hacienda. Guh. Enough of that.
Anyway, Friday night I went and watched Tron with my friends Chris, Rhys, Indi, Nikki, and Mike. Hanging out at Rhys and...
A birthday win
Me: (GASP!)
Joy: What?
Me: It's my birthday!
Joy: Yeah?
Me: And it's supposed to snow this weekend!
Joy: Okayyyyyy
Me: I CAN WEAR THE PUPPY COAT THIS WEEKEND!!
Joy: (Brain explodes) *whisper* Yes, it's your birthday
Me: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The scene of an accident
I was sitting on my couch when my mom called me. As usual, I was exasperated just from seeing her name. “Hello” I said as dryly as possible.”Billy? Can you come to Riverview Baptist? I got rear ended. I’m fine. The dog is fine. I just need you to come here.” I sat stunned for a moment. “Of course. I’ll be there shortly.” I grabbed my keys, and on the...
Is there a divorce listing for nerd boner killer?
Me: I might see if Rhys wants to hang out on Friday and watch Tron
Joy: Ugh.
Me: Hey! Tron is a sci-fi classic, and
(interrupting) Joy: Look. All I'm hearing is nerd, nerd, nerd, gay, nerd.
A declaration
Joy: It's part of how you love...... is to hump.
February 2010
6 posts
The logical answer
Co-Worker: I forgot what a pentagram looks like
Me: Draw a diagram?
That'll show her...
Joy: Don't put your wet butt on my computer!
Me: Don't put your computer on my wet butt!
Good enough, indeed.
Me: Of COURSE I'm black. I love your big butt, and who hits on you the most?
Joy: .......
Me: *Does the Ed Lover Dance*
Joy: Mexicans, actually.
Me: Meh. Good enough.
Does anyone have a safe place I can stay?
Me: Hey, I need your kisses.
Joy: ........
Me: Or, I'm gonna hit you.
Joy: Hey! Do you want me to give you some Irish Sunglasses?!
Me: GASP!
Joy: .......
Me: That is REALLY sexy!
Here's why you suck as a parent.
Let me put a disclaimer out there. I speak in broad generalities. In addition, if what I’m about to say TRULY rubs you the wrong way, feel free to message me about it, or call me on my shit below. We can have a discussion about it.
Kids.
Hang on, I’m not pissed at kids in general. Hell, I may be turning into a curmudgeonly old man, but I still don’t mind kids. I just have some...
January 2010
5 posts
Revenge
Joy: See? I haven't lost my touch.
Me: You've got the touch.
Joy: Don't
Me: YOU'VE GOT THE POWERRRRRRRRRR! YEAH!! *imitates guitar riff*
A lovely dinner
Me: You see Joy, a sixty-nine is when one man or woman lays like this...
*positions hand flat*
Me: annnnnnd the other man or woman lays like this...
*positions other hand flat in opposite direction*
Me: annnnnd then they do this...
*wriggles each middle finger towards other hand*
Me: to each other's genitalia
Joy: You need to stop that right now. People are trying to eat.
Me: *smiles*
I had it coming....
Me: Look, you have two options. One, you can shut your mouth. Two, you can keep your mouth open. Or, the third option, none of the above.
Joy: ........
Me: Looks like you chose option D. Tap out to the Steiner Recliner! *does push-ups*
Joy: Was that supposed to be a push-up?
Me: Shut up
Joy: Cause your arms didn't bend.
Me: Shuuuuut up
Joy: Was your pelvis touching the floor?
Me: SHUT. UP.
Joy: Are you familiar with a push-up?
Me: I'm Scott Steiner! You have to be familiar with push ups!!
Joy: You know, push-ups that aren't orange?
Me: ........
Happy MLK Day!
Joy: I need to be up by six AM.
Me: By any means necessary
Joy: NO! Why do you say that?
Me: *raises black power fist*
Funky Bunch?
Me: He’ll feel the vibration…. DON’T DO IT!
Joy: Feel it! Feel it! Feel the vibration!! IT’S SUCH A….. GOOD VIBRATIOOOOOON!!! IT’S SUCH A SWEEEEEEET TEMPTATIOOOOON!!!