Last night, my friend Rhys and I decided to take part in a challenge. To really get an experience for something that I felt was American, through and through. It started out simple. We were going to eat that new KFC Double Down sandwich. It evolved from there, though. We added to that one QuikTrip Cheeseburger Roller a piece.

I had stopped in Owasso at a KFC off of 76th street. I pulled up to the drive-thru and ordered two Double Downs. What I found paticularly interesting was what the cashier said. “Ok, will that be all for you guys?” As if to say, that no one person would order two of the Double Down. I replied with hearty laughter, and said that was good. I could see that she was taken aback by me as I was the sole occupant of the car. Let me also say that 4.99 for this sandwich should be a federal crime.

Anyway, from there I went to the QuikTrip just right down the road. I picked up two of the worst looking Cheeseburger Rollers. When I got to the counter, I asked the cashier if he had eaten one of these. He said he had. I asked him what he thought, and he replied “It’s good”. When those words left his mouth, he put on a fake smile. One of those ones where the muscles in your face contract, but your eyes remain dead. I cocked my head, and said “Are you sure?” he replied “Yeah, honestly.” and gave me that same dead smile again. It was very Stepford Wives.

I arrive at Rhys’s house and our bounty was laid out.

Yes, that looks awful, I know. 

We decided that the Cheeseburger Roller was a good warm up for the main event. I wasn’t worried as my constitution is pretty high after eating garbage most of my life. 

Rhys attached his roller with much gusto while our friend Zack looked concerned.

I met his ferocity with my own. 

I must say, for as disgusting as they look, they really just taste like a very dry cheeseburger. I would never eat one again, but it wasn’t as offensive as I thought it would be.

Let me preface this next part by saying no one should eat a Double Down ever. I did this for all of you. Well, all of you, and the chance to take some funny pictures and write about it.

Say hello to the KFC Double Down. The main event of last night’s challenge. 

That cheese you see there was best described by my friend Nikki as feeling like cooling paraffin wax. I had to agree and had my first doubts that I  could pull this off. I mean look at it. If you tilt your head, it looks like a diseased chicken vagina. 

Rhys started off with far less gusto.

What you see here is a man rethinking his life.

I never could back down from a challenge, though. 

I bit into it, and let me tell you, I almost immediately spat it back out. It was dry, and the texture was just so foreign to me. As my teeth gnashed down on the two chicken breasts, and made contact with the bacon in the middle, I immediately regretted this decision. 

As you can see, my friend Nikki is also immediately regretting her decision to try a bite.

As far as taste goes, it tasted like sodium. That’s it. There was so much sodium in it, you couldn’t even taste the bacon. This thing was  made up of chicken, two different kinds of cheese, bacon, and the “Colonel’s Sauce” and my mouth was on fire like you poured salt in a wound. 

Just finishing it was not the end of the Double Down, though. Oh no, gentle readers. This foodbomination decided to remind me why America kicks ass, by sitting in my stomach like an angry brick. If I moved to suddenly, it was like my stomach was fighting to catch up with me. Rhys described it best when he said “You know when they electrocute someone in the movies, and the lights flicker and fade when the switch is thrown? That’s what this feels like. My stomach is trying so hard to digest this, that the rest of me is fading and flickering”.

I can’t believe we have something like this being sold. I mean, I get why KFC is doing it. They’ve decided to help us out with our obesity epidemic. They must have realized that if they can sell this, and kill off some of the fatter population, not only would that help get rid of the obese, but it would also help with over population. It’s a smart plan to say the least, Colonel.